My name is Jo and I’m a doctoral candidate living in the Los Angeles area. My main goal with this blog is to get my thoughts out there in the open about my journey, eating disorder, depression, anxiety, relationship instability, and other crazy things in my life that just need to come out.
Last night I tried getting back on my Zoloft and then proceeded to have a horrible night. I couldn’t sleep and then woke up at 3 am and couldn’t fall back asleep because I had a panic attack until 5 am. I kept laying there and praying to God to help me. The obsessive thoughts kept me awake too. When I would to stop the obsessive thoughts, the panic would come back full blown. I woke up this morning to attempt to go to work. I was full of anxiety and knew I couldn’t function around 24 other patients at the treatment center. I feel bad about not being a part of the team with my colleagues, and I know our clinical supervisor already looks down on me because I miss so much time from work. Dealing with all this anxiety, mood swings, and depression is sucking me in.
My son moves home from Colorado this Friday. I am so happy he has decided to come here and finish high school with me. He also is Bipolar so I am praying that I will feel better on my pills before he gets here. He has the weekend with me, which should be peaceful and school starts on Tuesday. I want so much to get happy before he comes.
I f*cking hate depression/anxiety. I took an Ativan so I could stop feeling like I am going to die. Everything else in my life seems so trivial now that I feel that my health is going down the drain. I keep praying and telling God that I am open. I am not asking for anything. I just need God’s spiritual guidance right now.
I want to write that I am scared. I am scared I won’t be the mother he needs me to be. I am scared about taking care of us financially. I am scared that he will become unstable again and need to be hospitalized again. I am scared that my car will fall apart.
I just him and I to be healthy, happy, and safe. I want to thrive, not just survive. I am gonna cut the Zoloft in half tonight and take it with a Benadryl. I am going to keep trying until it’s unbearable.
I am still here. Still struggling. I don’t write as much. I am not sure if I care anymore to have support from others. My mood swings have been crazy. My ability to maintain friendships are becoming more and more difficult. I find myself disappearing into depression. I kind of wish I could be invisible and not have to explain to people why I am “meh” or “horrible.” Don’t they get that I am my disorder right now? I am living in some depth of hell and can’t seem to crawl out of it. I am un-medicated and will be until my insurance starts up in a few weeks. It is terrible. The only reason I am alive is because I have people who need me.
But it’s weird…it’s like living in some dream state and my head is always buzzing. Despair.
My sister wanted to go for ice cream and cake to cheer me up. Very sweet of her. I still purged it all up right after I finish the cake and container of ice cream. There was no way in hell I was going to allow 1000 calories to stay in my body. I feel myself getting sicker and sicker.
I knew back in May that the depression was coming back. I can always sense it. It is kind of like an old enemy who hates me and wants me dead. I still went ahead and slept with my friend anyway. I am impulsive. I am not sure I’ve ever really been truly happy. I’ve been content and I’ve been medicated. Period. Continue reading
I went to an eating disorder recovery meeting tonight. It had been about 4 months since my last. It was held at a local hospital, which was huge I might add, and I had to drive all over this medical complex to find it. I almost left. I felt all day that my fucking skin was crawling. It was only my own insecurity and self-hatred. I’ve gained 20 lbs this year. I wanted to be in denial for so long about it. I got on the scale at my friend’s apartment. I don’t own a scale anymore because I will compulsively weigh myself every day.
Anyways, I got into the meeting. I sat there and cried. I cried for 90 minutes. I shared for 3 minutes. I told them how I was a fuck-up when it came to recovery. I feel like such a fucking failure. I thought I could do it alone. No one can really see the 20 lbs because I am so tall, but I can see it in my soul. I wear it in my eyes. I told them I barely got out of my car. I didn’t want anyone staring at how fat and disgusting I look.
To top shit off, I got into a car wreck yesterday and my car is totaled. I am in a rental designed for people who are under 6 feet tall. Seriously. And the windows are not tinted. I can’t hide. I rode the subway today from my friend’s before I got the rental. I had two men tell me “you’re beautiful” and one man ask me for my number. I smiled at the compliments and told the last dude a lie that I had a boyfriend. What was I supposed to say? How about “I am sorry but I am emotionally fucked up and I am scared of commitment – try me in a year.” Now that is HOT!
I don’t let men in because I don’t trust. ***THANKS asshole for raping me when I was 13! I really appreciate how fucked up it made me***
I have not blogged in a bit. I had made the okcupid profile and then took it down. I just can’t. I enabled the firewall on my phone again so no non-contact numbers can’t get through. I deleted all the men. I told them nothing. I don’t think they are worth much anyhow. They never prove me wrong either!
I miss men being my friends. I miss men respecting me. I miss men valuing me as a human being. I miss not being objectified.
So I signed up for this Vi Challenge with a friend who is promoting. My goal is to not be thinner – but to lower my BMI to a healthy range. The scale says I need to lose 3% of my body weight to be at a healthy range.
I will not use the words “normal,” because I am at an awesome level of fitness. I want to improve.
This is me trying to not use eating-disordered language or behavior. I am not thinking thin but healthy. I will post a picture of me now so you can get an idea. I want to be healthier and will check my BMI every 2 weeks.
I did sign up and grab a new Okcupid account but I am taking my time filling it out. I really need to think about what EXACTLY do I want and what I am looking for. I’ve never been one to live a conventional lifestyle and am very liberal in my belief system. I was talking about this earlier with an awesome friend.
I told him in the past, I’ve tried to control everything with men. If they didn’t do as I wanted I would simply state they don’t care about me…cut ties and act like they didn’t exist. This year I’ve been trying my best to actually follow through with not cancelling dates, ignoring men, and deleting them. It has not been perfect but it is totally better then it was. I am trying to live my life contrary to previous actions.
So with all that said, I am slowly filling out the profile. Baby steps!
Alright. I am getting bored with these dudes. Gotta make a new profile.
Be hopeful that the douchebags stay away!
So how much sex can a single girl have? A LOT!
I broke a rule yesterday. I had, had this rule for many years. I would never have sex with more than 1 person per day; meaning I would never sleep with 2 different people in the same 24 hour period. Broke that shit yesterday and this morning.
After work yesterday, I went over and saw Brian. He started showing me his photos of this year’s latest burning man show. I was like “you up for some sex?” He was 😉
So he is really good. I think I mentioned this before? So we had an intense 45 minutes of awesome fucking.
Then that evening after hanging out with my best friend for a while, I decided to call up the hot Israeli. I hadn’t seen him in about a week. He happened to be free. Lucky me! Wheeeeee!
I drove over to Santa Monica and we went to the beach, had a drink, and went back to his place. He has amazing oral skills. I was immensely happy. We had sex for about 2 hours and then passed out. Woke up and did it again.
I am so sore, but it was worth it for the 8 orgasms.
I might see my cute computer geek tomorrow night before he goes to New York for 2 weeks. All I know is I am trying my best to enjoy being single. I am trying to not have hopes, dreams, or goals for any of these guys. I’ve learned that once I start doing that, I fuck it up. I just need to embrace being a beautiful, smart, and desirable woman.
I am still saying fuck okcupid! If none of these dudes pan out, then maybe I’ll get another profile.
Now back to eating Thai food 🙂
So I am having some major fucking body image issues lately. I tried to quit smoking. Ha! As soon as I stopped, I began bingeing/purging up to 4 times per night. I don’t know what to do. I know my weight is up 5-7 lbs because of the behavior and my jeans are super snug 😦 I’ve been doing so well keeping my weight at the “normal” range and I know no one can see the weight because I am so tall but fuck!!!
I am supposed to meet up with some dude from okcupid tomorrow night. One of the last stragglers I chatted with before I deleted my profile. Honestly, I think he is cute and sweet so far but I just can’t do it right now. I’ve turned down a few guys in the past week to meet up for a drink. I don’t feel bad about it. I just need to be happy on my own before putting myself and my self-esteem out there again. Dating can be fucking hard if you aren’t in the right frame of mind. Okay I told him “I need to cancel tomorrow. I need to unplug from dating for a while.”
Hopefully, he will be cool about it. I just really wanna work on my fitness, emotional health, and dissertation.
I’ve still got my friend with benefits (Brian) but that’s only a couple of times per month, and it is not going anywhere except the bedroom. But damn, I’ve only had sex this good with one other man. It is AMAZING. We almost had “lunch” today because I work near his house. Hopefully, I will see him soon. I don’t mind keeping him around. He actually treats me with respect and is a gentleman about it all. One of the problems I had on Okcupid was that men were constantly sending messages saying lame shit like “can I come over and go down on you all night?” or “wanna fuck?” That was probably the most popular of messages I got. Regardless of the context or seriousness of a relationship with a guy, I still need to be respected.
So I am taking my chances out in the real world. I don’t need to be on the dating site for a while. It actually feels good to not be “exposed” out there.